South Asian Communities

Relationships and expectations

In traditional Indian cultures, women face a range of expectations associated with the principle of “sewa” (selfless service), such as skill in cooking elaborate food, looking after in-laws, entertaining guests, and maintaining respectful and amicable relationships. As with other Asian cultures the patriarchal family head is important. Both men and women are supposed to uphold family and community honour, but the responsibility tends to fall mostly on women. Indian women retain their honour through conforming to prescribed roles and practices (Imam, 1999; Gill, 2003). Psychological abuse may include threats to ruin a woman’s reputation among relatives or accusing a woman of being a traitor to her culture and community. This results in considerable feelings of guilt about being judged a bad wife.

In South Asian families, the dowry can remain an ongoing cause of major disputes and ongoing problems as husbands (and their families) complain of insufficient dowries, unfulfilled dowry promises, and the inadequacy of the bride’s contribution to the household. Violence connected to dowry can often underpin the extended family’s involvement in the abuse (Batra, 2003; Dasgupta & Warrier, 1996; Jutla, 2004; Lakhani, 2005).

Although these practices occur there is no cultural or religious justification in either Hindu, Muslim or Sikh faiths for men to abuse their wives and children.

Honour through marriage

For South Asian communities, cultural and religious identity and practice are a strong and positive part of family and community belonging. Women are taught that the public image of the family is more important than individual safety.

Honour and respectability are dependent on a successful marriage, and women fear the dishonour and rejection from their community if their marriage should fail (Women’s National Commission, 2003; Gill, 2004). These religio-cultural constructs of honour and shame are very powerful, fuelling women’s fears about potentially incurring the wrath of the extended family and losing access to their children.

Women will stay in an abusive marriage to protect other family members including children and daughters in particular (Imam, 1994; Choudry, 1996; Gill, 2004). Thus women remain committed to their marriage and tolerate abuse (Gangoli et al., 2005). Girls are taught by their fathers or any other older person before marriage that they should not leave their husband.

“You will be seen as a bad woman for leaving your abusive husband. People won’t come to your house, kids can’t go to parties, you will not have that social network of people around, you lose that connection with your own community…Without support it’s impossible for them to leave.”

Family support

For many women migration will mean separation from extended family support. South Asian women tend to approach their family for assistance. However, women may not have families to turn to in New Zealand.

When family condemn the actions of the perpetrator and sympathise with the women, they are a great source of help. However, this is the exception rather than the norm. More commonly, women are blamed and ostracised by extended family and are not provided with support. Women who leave a marriage may be pressurised by family to go back to their abusive husband (Gangoli et al., 2005).

British studies estimate that it takes South Asian women an average of 10 years before they leave a violent relationship (Patel, 2003). South Asian women put up with abuse for a longer period of time and are more reluctant to access services than other abused women (Ministry of Women’s Affairs, 2077a; 2007b). Furthermore, the longer the abuse goes on, or as the severity of the abuse increases, the less likely it is that South Asian women will disclose to others or leave an abusive husband (Yoshioka et al., 2003; Gill, 2004).

Case Study: Sonal’s Story

(Ministry of Women’s Affairs, 2007a, pp 228-232)

Sonal’s story

Sonal’s grandfather came to New Zealand almost 100 years ago. As is the custom, Sonal had an arranged marriage. The proposal was brought by her cousin who was married to the brother of the prospective groom, Ranjit. Ranjit lived in the Punjab. Sonal wrote to him for two years and he wrote back. Sonal learned later that someone else was writing letters for Ranjit because he did not know any English. Sonal said that “There was deceit from the very beginning.” Sonal later learnt that Ranjit had come out to New Zealand on a six month visa which would soon expire, hence the need to marry quickly.

Sonal’s family was anxious that they follow what they perceived to be tradition, even when, in Sonal’s words, “We just did not know what ‘culture’ was.” This meant her family accepted the word of Ranjit’s family’s on “tradition”. Sonal learnt later that marriage practices in India had changed, and the old ways were not followed as strictly any longer.

Family Life after Marriage

Their marriage had a rough start. Ranjit could not speak English. He could not find a job. To make matters worse for him, Sonal’s younger sister married an Indian-New Zealand doctor, an event that seemed to affect Ranjit’s self-esteem. For 12 years, Sonal endured a degree of violence that would be hard for most people to imagine. There were many incidents of extreme and horrific violence. Ranjit assaulted her not only in the privacy of their home but also in public places, such as hospitals and workplaces – but still managed to escape any consequences for his violence. The first assault happened within the first week of their marriage. The beatings were triggered by trivial things like the dishes not being washed properly. Ranjit would grab Sonal by the hair and bang her head into doors and walls. When Sonal found a job at the local school, she got “a real good hiding”. She says she felt it was “worth it” because at least she felt safe at the school from 8 am to 4 pm. Ranjit made sure all her income was direct debited to his bank account. And, though Sonal worked long hours, she never had any money of her own.

Eventually, Ranjit got a job in a factory in another city. They moved and Sonal got a job in a school and fell pregnant with their first child. Ranjit had no idea of what was happening to Sonal. Even when she went into early labour, he was dismissive and insisted she was “making a fuss”. She went to work as usual, but was in considerable pain. In the early afternoon, the principal asked Sonal to call Ranjit to collect her. Ranjit eventually arrived about 5 pm but he did not take her to hospital. Instead, he took her home and wanted her to cook because he had invited friends over for dinner. Sonal eventually got to hospital with the help of her sister and brother-in-law. She is certain that she would have lost the baby had it not been for their intervention. Ranjit visited her in hospital in the morning and accused her of being “useless” because she “could not even carry a child”. Sonal stayed with her parents for three months after the birth.

During those three months, Ranjit was phoned by a brother who asked him to go and help a cousin who lived overseas and was having a hard time financially. Ranjit left immediately, leaving his wife and newborn baby. He returned to New Zealand with two cousins, quit his job, got into a partnership with them, opened a shop in another city, and moved house – all without consulting with, or even informing, Sonal.

Sonal followed Ranjit to the new city with their baby to live in a flat above the shop. She had to work long hours in the shop and long hours in the flat cleaning and cooking for Ranjit and his cousin. Ranjit sponsored a number of cousins and relatives from the Punjab to help him run the shop. Sonal had to help with the paperwork for immigration, teach them English and cook for them. When she fell pregnant for the second time, there were ten men living in their home. Sonal miscarried, but got pregnant again. Even in her advanced stage of pregnancy, she would have to open the shop early in the morning and bring in the crates of milk. Sonal had difficulties with her third pregnancy. Her doctors told her if she did not go to hospital she would lose the baby. She went to a hospital that was far away from home. There she found a supportive matron, “one of those old fashioned kinds”, in her words, who did not let Ranjit come “anywhere near me.”

Seeking Protection

After her second son was born, Sonal developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. She could not sleep because of the pain in her hands and was beaten because she disturbed Ranjit’s sleep. Sonal had to call a Plunket nurse for help. The nurse asked Ranjit to take Sonal to hospital. Ranjit abused the nurse instead. Sonal did get admitted to hospital. When she was discharged, her doctor refused to let her go home. Instead, she lived with a friend for two weeks. During that time she found pamphlets on family violence. She decided she could not carry on living the way she did and that, for her children’s sake, she had to do something.

She found a lawyer who successfully applied for an ex parte non-molestation and non-violence orders. However, Sonal could not bring herself to enforce the orders. Ranjit came to her sister’s house with his brother and presented Sonal with 100 red roses. Her family thought that was such a nice thing to do and she was being selfish to reject his affections. No sooner, however, had she got home than she got one of her worst beatings.

A further incident involving her children led Sonal to make the final split with Ranjit. He had picked up their younger son and banged him on the floor. Sonal says that an amazing feeling came over her. She went to her school principal the following day and asked him if he thought she was a good person. “Of course you are a good person”, he said. She cried publicly that day. The incident enabled her to take carefully planned action to end the violence. Secretly, she packed her things in a suitcase, a little each day, so that Ranjit would not become suspicious. She wrote a letter to her father and posted it. She rang him and told him if he did not hear from her, he should come and look for her and that if something happened to her, her family should care for her children.

For the third time, she made an application to the Family Court. She got a protection order without notice and went to live with her parents. Even though Ranjit would come to her parents’ driveway and abuse her, this third time around Sonal made effective use of the order. If Ranjit abused her or stalked her or threatened to kill her and her family, Sonal called the police and they came. She also went to the dentist to fix her teeth which were broken due to the battering. She saw a doctor about her back pain (caused by the battering as well). She took her children for counselling. She was able to devote herself to rehabilitating herself and her children.

The Role of Family

Throughout Sonal’s narrative, a consistent theme is the role of her family. For example, she told her maternal grandmother about the first hiding she got within a week of getting married. Her grandmother told her mother, who told her father. It became very clear to Sonal that her family would not do anything to help. Initially, it was because they thought Ranjit was a very good man; they would not have believed her if she told them all the details of the battering. Her mother did witness the beatings and the abuse when she came to live with Sonal during Sonal’s second pregnancy, but she did nothing. Later, Ranjit’s relationship with Sonal’s parents soured, but this did not mean that they were more supportive of her. Sonal says her mother was afraid to say anything because she was afraid of what Ranjit might do to Sonal’s father, who was old and in poor health.

By the time Sonal finally separated, her parents had witnessed a decade of abuse of their daughter and had done nothing to support her. Sonal’s sisters knew what was happening. One sister worked for the police. Another sister was married to a doctor. They too were caught up in “the family thing” and too timid to confront their parents or go against their wishes. Sonal’s cousins knew too. They had witnessed the abuse and taken her to hospital. Ranjit’s relatives had also witnessed the abuse.

To Sonal, family support was the single most important thing that could have helped her take decisive action to protect herself and her children. The need for affirmation and support from her family; the power of emotional control that the family exercised over Sonal; their fears of loss of reputation and “face” in the community – these were all factors that prolonged Sonal’s suffering.

Reflections

The doctors, the matron in the hospital, the lawyers, her work colleagues, volunteers at the refuge, staff at Work and Income, and school authorities were very supportive of Sonal and extended themselves every time she needed help.

Sonal was trapped by family ties. For her, getting out of a violent marriage also meant getting out of all family relationships, all community networks, and walking away from everyone she had loved and grown up with.

Sonal thinks the most important thing for a woman in a violent relationship is to be given support and affirmation that she has not become a “bad woman” because she walks away from violence.

For Sonal, her children’s welfare is what gave her the strength to take action. Sonal realised she was on her own and only she could protect her children. With that realisation came the knowledge about the ways in which bonds of family, community and society were intertwined.

Sonal’s story is significant for a number of reasons. She is a third generation Indian-New Zealander. The degree and duration of the violence she suffered is shocking. The factors that prompted Sonal to endure extreme violence are complex and include: a desperate need to maintain cultural identity; a closed community; close-knit families that nonetheless do not protect women from violent relationships.

Equally, Sonal’s case is an inspiration to women across cultures because, despite all odds, Sonal’s is a “success” story, in that she has successfully rehabilitated herself. Today, her sons, 21 and 17, are mature, responsible young men. She has divorced her husband. She runs her own business, owns her house and wants to help other women whenever she can.